It’s not canon, but it’s so ironically perfect that maybe it should be! Reading like the most incredible Harry Potter-themed MadLib ever, a new chapter in the iconic story was composed by predictive keyboards from Botnik after analyzing the content and patterns of all seven J.K. Rowling epics.
The new chapter, dubbed “The Handsome One,” falls in the larger fiction of the hilariously-titled Harry Potter and the Portrait of What Looked Like a Large Pile of Ash. It is outrageous genius and a must read–like something from the minds of the Weasley twins only, somehow, better. There are loads of genuine laugh-out-loud moments, and by the end you’ll be flabbergasted by the notion that a computer could get our favorite characters SO RIGHT.
— Botnik Studios (@botnikstudios) December 12, 2017
Featuring our beloved trio, every line of the chapter is a gem. As Botnik boasts, the results of its experiment are “spell-binding!”
One of the most memorable Ron Weasley descriptors is “Ron’s Ron shirt was just as bad as Ron himself,” followed closely by the excerpt, “Ron was going to be spiders. He just was. He wasn’t proud of that…” There’s also this personal favorite: “Ron threw a wand at Voldemort and everyone applauded.”
(What can you expect, really, when our heroes are back to battling their old nemesis, Voldemort, and his unusually-polite cohorts, and they’ve got to protect the castle like always!? As the aphorism says, it’s a dirty job, but someone has to do it…)
And the story definitely takes a few gritty, dirty turns–literally!
After Hermione’s family is unceremoniously eaten, by Ron no less (that probably puts a damper on their relationship), she leads the charge in true Hermione-fashion: “Look,” Hermione said, “Obviously there are loads of Death Eaters in the castle. Let’s listen in on their meetings.”
Not the daring route Harry would take, perhaps, but Hermione is usually the cautious voice of reason in the group. That doesn’t mean she isn’t as brave as the rest when the need arises, however, and this Hermione is plenty feisty. Enjoy this hilarious snippet:
“‘Voldemort, you’re a very bad and mean wizard,’ Harry savagely said. Hermione nodded encouragingly. The tall Death Eater was wearing a shirt that said ‘Hermione Has Forgotten How to Dance,’ so Hermione dipped his face in mud.“
And now, about the Boy Who Lived, this exchange sums up everything:
“Harry could tell that Voldemort was standing right behind him. He felt a great overreaction. Harry tore his eyes from his head and threw them into the forest. Voldemort raised his eyebrows at Harry, who could not see anything at the moment.“
Read the entire chapter from Botnik Studios Predictive Writer project here. It’s a truly innovative technological application, and we’re just excited to be on the receiving end of it! Mashable reported that Botnik CEO and co-founder Jamie Brew said of the scheme:
“The idea of Botnik is that humans and machines working together can come up with things that neither would be able to on their own.”
That would seem to be the case, but we wonder what J.K. Rowling would say? We have no doubt her incomparable imagination could produce something equally unique–and without the assistance of a computer. But we’ll enjoy it anyway, because it’s brilliant. Christmas has come to the fandom early–the more Potter, the better!
As one of the concluding sentences says, “‘We’re the only people who matter. He’s never going to get rid of us,’ Harry, Hermione, and Ron said in a chorus.”